J e r e m y R y a n: 07/01/2004

Saturday, July 31, 2004

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain, oh
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

And She will be loved
And She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

Please don't try so hard to say good bye.

mom's up already. i'm going down soon. just surfing around like the good old days. where there's tons of shit in the E-World out there. nowadays blogs seems just revolving around a couple of stuff. mainly, BGR, $, Work, Sch, Clubbing. will my blog ever have something new to talk about? oh yes. something. what's Dark Green in color, Thick & has some Blood in it... anyway, this week in sch has been kinda interesting... sat in many rollercoaster rides. well, my shit? go hear this song. its nice. my shit is stuck in me for this week, cant come out. nites.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

what makes a good husband?? is he someone that has no bad habits? for example; smoking, drinking, gambling? no tattoos? don't use dialect vulgarities? rich & stable, having the 5Cs which ALL (sorry no offense) girls wants? enough cash to sponser the girl everything she needs, have a good sense of dressing, forever giving in to her? & so on... or would she prefer someone that has only a true sincere heart to offer? minus all the assets & liabilities, is she gonna go for him or the Mr. Perfect? when the connection of a guy & girl occurs. when the guy is giving up everything just to go for her. when he knows himself that he has lost pride, dignity just to make her happy although what he lost is not as worth as what he got, meaning, the girl's smile & gratitude. what boils down is, what does he look in her, vice versa. Are relationships built on the HUGE DOLLAR SIGN? when $ can satisfy her? what about love which starts everything from sratch? is $ gonna take over love? will anyone ever be contented with what they have? is it gonna end up with this same sentence: "everyday eat fish, not sian ah? sometimes must eat chicken, beef all this." are we serious here? all of us wants our freedom of movement & action, however, this comes with a responsibility that no one can shoulder. when somone says "i know what i'm doing", 95% mostly not know wtf they are actually doing. as long on the surface, it looks gd & neat. fuck the rest, don't have to think too much. is JR right? why wanna entagle yourself in situations that just complicates things? sigh. i dont wanna continue typing no more. its 5am. time for me to sleep... oh yeah, good morning to those who in the process of waking up & having sweet dreams... nighty nites.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

when i sat alone there in a corner, singing the song by Wu Bai, it gave me lots of emotions by just looking at the lyrics. holding the mic, staring at the tv, lungs pouring out whatever u're feeling. everyone could tell wtf i was thinking... sigh, cheng mo. SOS was pretty much fucked up. drinks tasted like piss. crowd were a bunch of dildos dancing. pratically, i felt like SparksCanto when it first opened. all the 16 yr olds getting their UV chop, going to listen muzik like "Baby, u're gonna drive me crazy, clap clap..." u get wat i mean? but last night was punks singing "Shake that thing Miss Anna... Get busy... Jodi & Rebecca" alright? oh, i have to say this. the bouncers WERE FUCKING PATHETIC. ok. at least 484 one are friendlier & better. ok, enough of this shit. staring at all my TO-FUs & the pics surrounding my whole table, i cant stop myself from doing anything else... going to bed now.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

just a post before i bath & sleep. was kinda MIA for the past 2 days or so. i just had to take a break, spend quality time alone relaxing, away from everything. anyway, funny how i'm willing to accept everything although somehow or rather my attitude forbids me to. this is what they call giving & returning back too much that u take. saying goes: flesh is willing, spirit is weak. more like flesh is weak, spirit is willing in this case. its been 5 months ever since the 20th of Feb. one of the hardest 5 months in my life i've been through. ppl do change someway or whatever. i admit i did too. most frds says i lead a carefree, relax life. but am i really going through one? hmmm, only thing i know is, i'll continuing my journey no matter whatever happens. i seriously need to sleep. havent been getting enough rest for body & mind. ok ppl, here's something i thought of lying on my bed.

5 months since we met,
there's the good & bad.
4 days since we fought,
time to say sorry for all my faults.
jr don't have everything,
but a heart for grasp when u sink.
u might never understand,
however jr will keep his stand.

everybody, good night.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

its never pays doesnt it? to have a big heart. to try to make everything simple. to avoid ppl to misunderstand ur actions. being too kind always end up in u getting labelled as the baddest ass on earth. good guys end up last. when u wanna do something to let everyone else know u are actually being true, u get slammed back so hard in the face which in most ocassions no one gets back up. u know, when u put ur heart n soul into something & turns out the ppl u treasure & love thinks u're nothing but a piece of crap, it feels so 'rewarding'. then u stop & pause. is everything worth it? is she the girl i'm willing to give up everything for? is he or she the friends that i put all my loyality & friendship to? is this, is that. when will someone really shake ur hand & say this to u, "thanks for being a true friend, for having my back" or "thank you for loving me"? will that ever happen sincerly? when ur so called frds doesnt even have 30mins to 1 hr just to sit down & talk things out with u, despite u being a nice guy, is he someone worth to call frd? honestly, can someone answer me? doesnt everyone is a taker & not a giver? u can say so much things, but do ur actions really prove them? nah, i dun think so. who would step back & give in? perhaps once, twice, but everytime possible? why must u torture urself, enduring shit that ur "frds" give u? why? we are not machines. we have feelings, we think, we do have emotions. giving it all support that a frd need is wat makes friendship last. few months back he can say, i'll support ur ass all the way. next moment, he could be leaving ur ass for good. are all of us just nothing but sinners? ppl sing, talk about gd guys with gd rewards, bad guys with retribution. isnt life a joke to find out, its actually the other way round? well, i'm not too sure, can someone tell me? oh yeah yeah, life sux, everyone loves to say that. but sit down hard, think of it. quite make sense though. cause when life treats u gd, u do something gd, mostly the effects of it is totally misinterpreted by every soul. seriously, by being urself, being a better person, having a heart to fill all sorrow & joy for someone is taken for granted by everyone. u make the effort, it goes down in vain. to all who are reading, lie back & reflect. saying stands still. life isnt fair. u can never understand what a guy or girl is thinking & doing. things happen for a reason? whats the reason? i end my post with this line. everything started of as friends, how much do u expect from the person is far far away & it might not even be 1%.

Monday, July 19, 2004

(*.*) nites.

We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

We've known each other for so long
Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it
Inside we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it

And if you ask me how I'm feeling
Don't tell me you're too blind to see

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

We've known each other for so long
Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it
Inside we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand

Sunday, July 18, 2004

its my 2nd night in a row blogging in the early morning. was talking to my bro a few hours ago. had a gd laugh at many things. lol. its been a long time since we had such long conversations in the morning. but, all was gd. i log on to my friendster account & found 2 testimonials which i approved cause they were true, as usual. read my old testimonials too & realised, quite a number of things are for real. gosh, my friends do really know who i am. luckily i deleted those ppl whom i don't really give a fuck too. cause i'll be expecting some crap from them anyway. however, come to think of it, i missed some of my friends i once knew. read testimonials, added some for them. hmmm, the world is changing. don't everyone know that? but anyway, another frd of mine encountered the "friend" problem in my last posts. the $ problem. ha, fuck it. ppl do tend to think u're rich & take u for granted. thats what i'm feeling & being treated by some ppl too. but i'll just fuck them in their face & say, u can go think whatever u want, assume my parents will feed me forever, be there forever. honestly, why do u want such ppl as friends? worth it? nah. u shower them with care & concern, only thing they will do is to slice a huge portion of ur back (backstabbing la, duh) & continue slicing until ur whole back drops off. will that be the time u will learn? money & time helps, it shows u who ppl really are. but i'm kinda sad at times they way ppl see things, judge things. sigh. everyone has their own point of view. u can't really say much either. conclusion is, humans are stereotyped; all of us. my bro told me this, if u keep wanting something, u'll never get it. ponders, i want her badly, will she be mine? mouth say want doesnt help u know. u gotta put in 101% for everything u want so bad. i did some sums & have a rough idea on how much is best to earn next time in the working world. u ppl better not know the sum. it killed my brain & heart. heh. u know something? a blog will forever be a blog. its purpose is for u to say all u feel & want which u cant do to someone. so pls make full use of it. to fuck someone up, fuck somethings, be sad about stuff, joyful about events or whatever else. i think every blog is diff. there's no such thing as "just another typical blog" sigh. i'm attending the evening mass later about 10hrs time. i want the tofu plush so badly. going to take a look at it... whenever i see the pictures, it makes me shake my head smiling. go figure it out.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

going to bed now. don't ask why. here's a few lines of wisdom to share. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have. The greatest regrets in our lives are the risks we did not take. If you think something will make you. happy, GO FOR IT. Remember that we pass this way only once. morning ppl, rise & shine. its time for JR to enjoy a long time in slumberland.

Friday, July 16, 2004

blogging on a fri night would be something i hardly do. but yes. i'm doing it right now. i'm deciding whether should i get a new layout. i guess i'm always the stale one who doesnt change the layout as often as others. but i have engaged the services of Val to help me with it. she's really gd at doing this kinda shit. although she hasnt found any inspiration, its ok. cause most prolly i'll be sticking to my layout that i've been using for 2 yrs or so now? who cares anyway. i realised something, that is my current finanical problems would last for as long as i'm alive. that's unless i strike TOTO or 4D which is the so called fastest way to be rich. was talking to my DAD couple of nights ago. those father-son conversations which will never run out of topics. funny how both of us accepted the fact that we are kinda poor now. just moving along as each day goes. yes. we have our goals in life. i know he's is to give my MOM, SIS & ME a good life, including himself. i often think back of the things he taught me, we did together. it was very meaningful & kinda always changed me in a way or another. very grateful for his teachings in life. the Best Teacher. but, he's out for a meeting now. so yeah, mom's waiting for u. my goal in life is also quite the same as him. just to return wat my parents gave me. at least they can be proud of me. after thinking, i cant remember of things that i did which made them proud. perhaps nothing. anyway, i just have to say, Dad, Mom ur son here knows wat u mean. i have a rough idea wtf to do. so pls, dun worry about me. i'm trying my utmost best to save up for the family too. i always will remember wat both of u told me. "When you are rich, everyone will come flocking to u. When you are POOR, the people you call friends will show you the true meaning of friends" very strong tone here. but its true. everyone reading this, knows it deep down too. as for me, i actually don't really care if they call me friends, call me out just because they knew i have a car. my phone has been quiet recently perhaps for 3weeks or so now? cause i'm car-less? lol. i hardly give a damn to those ppl. maybe... 5 yrs down the road, i'll be in my EVOLUTION & u will be in some kinda transport from SBS? who knows? a friend told me this during dinner just now. we actually don't belong in this planet, we are just using the stuff here. once our time is up, we have to go back either up there or down below. make sense? u tell me. i do look back at the times i was when i had dough. i still remember the times 3 of us bros went out, felt like a king. but now, all this gd moments last for a while. the truth hurts, doesnt it? heh. lastly, i'm all out of love i guess. nothing more to say, nothing more to add, nothing more to feel. did wat i felt, did wat i thought right, did watever to make things gd. Bro, i ain't having no BGR problem. i'm growing as the days goes by. i'm being realistic. i'm carrying life on. remember wat i told u? being realistic means, U HAVE THE $, U TALK THE LOUDEST. i dont talk loud, cause i cant & also its not me. i talk loud when i have to. not everytime. btw, KC, this bitch passed this CLASS 2B. remember man, u're still young. u gotta fucking play when u can. try watever possible. if its meant to be, it will. no such thing as avoid accident. fuck u. hear me? FUCK U HARD. once u get ur license, ur head & balls gotta grow. like mine. conclusion: Push yourself to the extreme in whatever you do. Yes, we are all human, we made mistakes. But, there's NEVER EVER no wrong in trying things everyone hates U to.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

first week of sch is over. man, i hardly felt any sch blues yet. anyway the weekend was very satisfying, but it left a huge hole in my ferragamo. fri had only 6 bottles of Heineken with Mr Matt Lai at Cafe 107 (ex S-11). wasted we couldn't finish a crate!! congrats to him for completing his dreadful attachment yeah. he's one of the better ppl in drinking. hardly get drunk when having a drink with him. until the next time man. we shall drink it out again.

The next day was pretty much exciting though. it struck me kinda like a BodyGuard role that i played. i like had a huge reponsibility to bear u know that show? quite long ago, dated 19th FEb 2002. acted by Kevin Costner & Whitney Houston. had a very full lunch, had 99.5% fat free double chocolate ice-cream, read good books, got a nice cute little blythe, smell good perfume, drank slurpee. a job well done i hope. it was all gd or wasnt it? hmmm... gotta feel the vibes. but yeah, the phrases that everyone will still use are :Sweet Things only Last in the Beginning & All Happy Things must Come to an End. HELL NO. i'm gonna try twist this fucking shit logics. after the happy afternoon, caught Spidey 2 with Da Dumb Blonde JAS at night. however, this time, i felt like "lucky". beggers don't choose. ROFLMAO. yes we both know wat it means. my eyes were about to fall out while playing Photo Hunt but thank god, the show made two little balls glued hard to the screen. thumbs up. 4 outta 5 popcorns. after that chilled at Aquadisiac by IndoChine. i was supposedly 25yrs old, but oh well, who gives a shit. My Sex on The Beach cherries story. yes yes, 1 in return for 1 cup. lol. the Vamp at her Best! *evil* but, all 4 of us agreed that it kinda was better chilling here instead of the as usual fucked up chinablack. i kinda felt like a little kid last night cause all 3 sistas had experienced so much other stuff in terms of bgr. why? i dunno. lastly for the night, headed to Newton for 1/5 hokkien mee. damn pathetic. super. but ya, this is where the pager story starts.

my plan for today was actually to chill at home, have a good sleep but oh well, ch's ex gf - Grace asked me to Palawan. coz ch's going & she doesnt really have a partner. "zuo ho lang bo ho" firstly he had to call me to ask WTF was i. i wasnt obliged to tell him ANY FUCKING THING AT ALL. next, i heard a familiar ringtone that goes by "I don't wanna know, if u're playin' me..." picked it up & got ask a similiar question, where was I? ok fine. that fucking ch jolly well knows the person who calls my hp with that tone is someone I do not lie to. boy, he's really 1 hellava smart ass. so wtf must u quit MIT, try to go to SBM & in the end up in PTJC? this fucking entry dedicated to him may sound VERY INSULTING or watever u ppl deem it la. i dun give a fuck. now now, so, u love pushing me? threatening me? using someone to get a hold over me? u do it once, twice, ok fine. HEY MOTHER FUCKER, DUN PUSH JR TOO HARD, CAUSE I'LL FUCK U NO MATTER WHO U ARE. no one does that on me.u wanna take advantage of a friendship that i once respected? so be it man. its ur call. but U jolly well fucking remember this. When u were after, with, broken up with Grace, JR DIN'T DO ANYTHING TO FUCK UR BRAIN UP & until now he still DIN'T. everyone knows U zuo lang bey swee but i treated u as a frd. however i'm feeling u're trying to fuck around with me. i can hate u. but i can't force someone to believe me & dislike u. I don't put PAGERS on ppl's ankle. FUCK U CH. u better know ur limits, before u get something u don't EVER WANNA GET. i ain't threatening u, i'm telling u straight up as wat i do to all the ppl i know. Remember, when u were out with someone, fetched someone, club with someone, I din't put a pager on either of u. i zuo lang swee swee. i took it in my stride & swallowed it down. now, u wanna fuck me, u try. ok? u goddamn try.

went to church, got some answers to questions, learnt new stuff again. but my fury is still not 100% contained. just a few shoutouts, Mom, thanks for the cash (but ur son spent all of it again). Bro, update me on ur back man. U for the spending time with me, U know it means alot. Jas-Val-Yan for gd chillout sessions, talks & drinks. Grace for calling me out to Palawan, so as to know wat ur ex is really like behind that face although phyiscally changed, his brain wont. Matt Lai for drinking together like how old frds should always do. finally, this shoutout goes to: "everybody who's doesnt give a damn about how others are feeling but urself cause u & everyone else is selfish & we are all humans!!" hooray!

Thursday, July 08, 2004

yawnz. i just woke up. paid the interest back already. now for the full sum. damn i couldn't believe i just went through class today as norm despite the lack of sleep & food & love, yes, love. it was pretty much horrible as already 2 ppl deem last night. as for me, ya i thought of it as pathetic too. dun talk about the drinks. it was ok for starters. some shots & beer, thanks eugene for those. dint had my flamin' lambo though, turn out i treated val to beer. but last night mood for most of us i guess were flamed anyway. sorry jas, we dint mean that. get wat i mean. i think saying sorry cant really help at this moment. but, if its to blame anyone, blame me. i was a bad boogist last night. wasnt aware of wat was going on the whole time & took for granted others were happy. my fault k? thank god the aftermath was quite ok. chilled at eugene's office. seriously man, his office is kewl. nuff' said. dun kill me yan, but u do need TRAINING badly. now for the funny thing that we 4 talked about at the "Crib". why did she call me when she brought someone else there? i swore to god, it was him. civic p-plate. i dunno whoever it was la, it just haunted me like a fucking ghost. wat more can i say? last night, my spirits were supposed to be HIGH. we were supposed to BOOGIE. but... the truth hurts. seeing it hurts like fuck too. val, i dint fucking do anything to deserve that did i? or was it meant to be? retribution for something else i did? seriously, i dunno wtf is gonna happen la, but ya, this phrase is so damn "SWEET!" guys or girls, do use it.

"i've told u many times before, its just that u are too stubborn to listen. give up on me, i'm not worth it. dun spend all ur time & effort on me. i can't give u back anything in return. i'll be so happy for u once u found ur happiness. don't compare anything with urself to others. the way i treat others is different. cause they know when to be sensitive when not to. dun wait. move on." impressive. i'll be smoking again.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

everyone thinks i made a stupid decision. why give up Simplicity over other things. all the questions that popped to me was this: why wait for nothing? can try build it up y not? how come dun want to give up? why still persist so hard like a fool? WHY THIS WHY THAT!?!?!?!??!?! all the pain & shame & suffering is what i deserve all my life. i've changed. cant she just see that i'm giving up everything. i cannot forget, i can't let go. the feeling i get for the past 3months + or so is something i never felt before for 19yrs? they say nothing last forever, sweet stuff is for a while. fuck those logics la. i sat down last night & thought of so much things. family problems that will never be solved unless dad, mom & me strike 4-d, toto. alfy has this huge back problem which no one knows wtf actually will happen or caused it. but bro, u better fucking read this: no matter u gonna be WCB or watever fuck la, ben & i will always be ur bros. we will eat our Chai Chee Bak Chor Mee anytime man! brothers is forever. sch started, 3 Yr1 modules. i must pass IT 1828 if not i'm screwed. but if i fail, i wont die anyway. lastly, i just have to land myself in a huge slumber. i dun wanna add anything else anymore. i just wanna say lastly. u dunno how i feel right now. u simply just dun understand all the sacrifices & stuff that i did & went through.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

guess this song by Firehouse - I Live My Life For You is on my mind flowing through in & out, back & forth. dunno y though.

You know you're everything to me
And I could never see, the two of us apart
And you know I give myself to you
And no matter what you do, I promise you my heart

I've built my world around you and I want you to know
I need you, like I've never needed anyone before

I live my life for you
I want to be by your side in everything that you do
And if there's only one thing you can believe is true
I live my life for you

I dedicated my life to you
You know that I would die for you
But our love would last forever
And I will always be with you
And there is nothing we can't do
As long as we're together

I just can't live without you, and I want you to know
I need you like I've never needed anyone before

fantastic song for the mood right now. u know the feeling of not giving up, not giving in? going through it presently can turn a monster mad. my frd's blog has this huge title; I don't need a reason to do what i did. sounds familiar coz perhaps i'm thinking like that too? i dunno wats going on but all i know is, chances are slimmer by the day, however JR ain't giving up an inch! can't let go man. simply can't. 1% is also something. its like Porto down by Greece 0-2 at half time, so hard to make it 2-3 in the end. 45mins score 3 goals? but they still won 1-0 & are the champions cause they waited patiently, alas! a corner kick & they CAPTALISED & MAINTAINED it. wonderful strategy. here's a quote: Love is everything it's cracked up to be?It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. - Erica Jong, O Magazine, February 2004.

first day of sch. tired. nothing to add. weather's forever the same. maths too. nothing fantastic. saw ppl that i havent see for quite some time. practically nothing else. wednesday is my off day. what should i do? soul-search? (sheesh, do i have any soul left in the first place?) dunno wat else to say here. i'll be having night class until 9.30 today. gotta sleep. nites (+.+)zzz..

Friday, July 02, 2004

time files. blink of an eye, its july. settled my timetable for Yr 2 Sem 1. i've gotta take 3 Yr 1 modules again. no big fuse about it. i chose it, have to get through with it. no need to pray for this sem to be smooth. just walk a step & see a step. night classes would be something new to me. hate studying at night though. cant get anything in my head during the night; or is it i cant get anything in my head during anytime of the day? have 1 off day, that's on wednesday. y give me the off day if i can clear or squeeze more modules in it? hmmm. weird. whatever is it, i have to do wat i have to do. my hp is so fucked now. auto off, the 0 is cocked. dint know marcus was looking for me to spend his bday together with other frds, sorry man. thank god i heard my vmail. btw, a big thanks to alex. he's been very steady as a frd so far. got me out of shit on wed night. luckily met desmond for the first part of the journey & alex continued it. thanks to both of u. feeling a little phazed somehow or another. or probably just tired. the gap is just getting bigger & bigger & my brain's getting smaller n smaller. happy still i have a roof over my head & food to eat. euro2004 finals - Porto vs Greece. the first match of the euro, the last match of the euro. fixed? nobody knows. i think i'm missing some parts to this post, but what is it... this is not the usual JR post. i'll catch some sleep. the weekend is here. dreadful. oh. its raining now. hope the man u jersey can keep u warm. nites.

J e r e m y R y a n