J e r e m y R y a n: 05/01/2004

Saturday, May 29, 2004

long time since i had something to say here. btw, just saw my results for semester 2. i know my Mathematics modules will screw up. It came true. nothing to be sad about. Gonna repeat the stupid Discrete Maths & Maths 1. 2 maths modules again... sian sia. fucked up. the rest all pass cept maths. fuck sia, dunno y i take this lj course. stupid maths, dunno how to tahan & pass both of them now... ARGH! but fuck it. the main thing i wanna say in this post is not about results or studies. here it goes.

yes, worked back with gain city again... same sai kang to do, move stock, packer, everything la. pay still the same. yet i always will learn new stuff from it. actually the topic here is about friends or shall i say ppl u mix with. what are friends actually. made a few new frds from work. i think time kinda play a part in friendships. 4 yrs brothers with alfred n ben & we always know each other in & out, we know wat we want, wat we hate, wat we play, wat we live for. among all the ppl i know that i call frds & hopefully they treat me as one, alffy & ben are still the only ppl i will call brothers. cause they actually listen & hear & always tell me wtf is wrong. it's my fortune to know ppl like them cause they are the ppl whom are always in my mind in terms of friendship. yes, i know ppl for 1 week, 1 month, 1 yr but yet the friendship is not totally there. hey, ppl out there, dun misunderstand me. i'm not saying u ppl are fuckers or wat. is just that, actions speak louder than words. i dun think i'm thinking too much now, its just that, i believe wat i say, wat i see, wat i feel. no one honestly can be as true, as honest, as faithful as my 2 bros out there. this post is dedicated to u. happy or sad u guys are always there. u 2 always want me to enjoy the happiness & saddness that we 3 go through. this is something i highly respect u ppl for. u mean wat u all say. u do things knowing that u can sleep properly at night. that's y i also treat u guys with all the loyalty & respect. hardly could trust anyone 100% to be frank. TRUST is a huge word. too complicated for anyone to understand. therefore i dont wanna screw up & lose my 2 brothers. i told ppl before, i can know 100ppl. but perhaps only 5 are my true friends. oh well, nvm, i guess no one will truly understand wat i mean in this post of mine.

weekend is here again. how i dread it so much. not because of work, but other stuff. weekends are the most lonely & sad nights i always kena. sob. anyway, hopefully this weekend would pass quickly... pls do. working in 5hrs time. heh, havent sleep. my mom's calling me a freaking zombie. i guess she's right. blah. seriously, i do miss lots of things... sigh. hard to explain.

conclusion: don't trust anyone. stone cold steve austin's line. DTA. does it make sense? who can answer me? i really wish to find out. peace out. gonna go to bed.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

having a slight headache now... dun ask me. i can't give u an answer. perhaps cause i ate too much? drank too much? (soft drinks, dun misunderstand), think too much? m00. the cow's having the mad cow disease i guess. but, listenting to this song could soothen things.

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do
I will be strong I will be faithful
'cause I'm counting on

A new beginning
A reason for living
A deeper meaning

I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

And when the stars is shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish and lead to heaven and make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the pleasure in the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of

The highest powers
In lonely hours
And the tears devour you

I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like it is forever
Until the sky falls down on me

Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cause it's standing right before you
All that you need will surely come

I'll be your dream I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope I'll be your love
Be everything that you need
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do

I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

nitey nites.
ps: alex, paiseh ah. heh.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

just bathed. feeling so refreshed now. caught the sunrise at my house again. one of my wishes, is to catch it with U! everytime if i come home at this hour, it's a wonderful feeling i get. seeing kids go to sch, adults going to work, buses & trains starting. its like a whole new day has started. i guess everyone has to wake up from their dreams & start again. but for me, a nocturnal creature, i rather sleep in the day, while everyone is busy working their asses off. heh. thats y if i can, i rather work a night job. start at 9pm? when everybody is back home from work. end it at 7 or 8 am? when everybody is starting to go to work. weirdo. that's the word. honestly, i dun feel tired now at all. i dunno how long will this last, but i just have to go through it to see. on the way home, saw the SHELL carwash service. perhaps i should work there for the fun of it. at least i get to touch some cars that others cant. gd deal? not sure. btw, i really need to find work. any frds out there who knows night owls work, pls call me. i'm willing to fuck my ass out there for the cash. cause i believe $ is really a vital factor in living to the fullest. get 1 mon-fri job & weekend diff job. best is work 24/7. but can tahan anot? aiya, for the fucking $, just do it la. anyway, my dad's in my room now. can't sleep. grrr. waiting for him to gan ji pi then can have sweet dreams liao, can slowly drool. Alicia Keys - If I Ain't Got You is spinning now. prayer for the day, hope today can be a wonderful day for everyone i know, my parents, my sis, bros, peel-fresh & everyone out there.

ps: my car's still fixing up in the process, haven't really finish, can't run on major roads yet. pls god, make it run again. haven't been getting sweet dreams for a long time, perhaps "tonight"? nitey nites.

Sunday, May 16, 2004

shattered. i'm picking the pieces up 1 by 1. everything's in a disarray. later in church, i'll find my way back. there goes by body kit, bumper, spoiler, side skirt, fog lights. gotta rebuild them slowly. hopefully SJR 13N will be able to run again. signing off as a immature driver who hasn't seen enough of the world.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

ok. been in a coma for 3 months or so. now, my state is half-vegetable. read my alffy bro's blog. all my frds out there, pls read it to. under bro's blog links on the left hand side. everything he said is true. i never once doubted him. everything is the cause of my own doing. i got myself entangled with a relationship that whether rocky or steady has none of my concern. i was just wishful thinking that i might have a chance but i know i dont. deep down, past 3 months, it was bitter sweet kinda feeling. but comparing is the last thing on my mind now. i dun care about time to me anymore. time is just something that flies away. 2 yrs or 3 months. it doesnt matter. if there can be 1 day or few hrs. wtf is my 3 months. fuck la, i did everything i could & would i can say now this. I TRIED MY FUCKING BEST NOW, I'M FUCKING TIRED. I GAVE EVERYTHING I HAD. mentally i know wat the outcome will be... i just have to take it in my stride. all the songs i've been listening to, all the lyrics can never make up wat i feel & understand about the word LOVE

btw, kc aka ol-lol, dun say i'm a PARTY ANIMAL i'm NOT A FUCKING ONE. yes, i chiong, i go nightspots, i drink. but i dun fucking party there like no one's business. i dun get drunk & fuck girls. i dun pick up girls. i dun seat in corner & zero down on girls. i go places is GIVE FACE. frds jio me, i go GIVE FACE. remember, if i wanna party, i must have the ability to. ask me dance, ask me drink. i can. ask me pick up girls no. i CAN NEVER DO THAT. i'm not like that. ppl who are reading this, u might be thinking, Wtf, all men are like that. i can tell u straight in ur face. Shut The Fuck Up if the whole world don't believe anything i say or do, i know my 2 Brothers Alfred Kok Thim Fei & Benjamin Foo Yao Ren will. Say i'm a JIAO LANG, 3rd Party WHATEVER MAN. I DUN GIVE A SHIT.

ppl say i'm a changed man. ppl think i'm this i'm that. let me explain to u all Who The Fuck Jeremy Ryan is. I'm human. I have feelings I have emotions. Yes, u think i'm a beng or wat, so be it. I dun give a fuck. I have attitude, I have temper. But every single time when I'm feeling it, I'm trying so fucking hard to calm it down. Do u know? U don't. U don't know who am I. Everything I do for ppl or whatever, I do it because I know by doing it, it will make both parties HAPPY. I don't fucking seek pity or sympathy from ANYONE. U have friendster? READ MY PROFILE. from the day i started friendster, I HAVE NEVER REJECTED ANY TESTIMONIAL. because I believe ALL THOSE THINGS THEY SAID TO ME IS TRUE. ya, i dun deny, i like Techno, i Smoke like fuck, i Drink like fuck, i Swear like fuck, a Loud mouth, Bad-Ass attitude, i have Tattoos. YA BUT I'm changing everyday. If I can be a better man, I WANT TO. Who want their boyfriend or frd or bro or watever to be like ME. no one wants to. fuck man, I dun care.

All i can say now is, past 18yrs 5months & 15days of my life, this is the ONLY TIME I WILL EVER FEEL FOR SOMEONE LIKE U. NO MORE. for u, i'll put in the extra 200% effort. honestly, i dun care if CD-R knows me, know wtf has been going on or whatever. Cause i'm a fighter. I'll fucking fight for wat i desire. Everything I did since i was born out, I HAVE NO REGRETS. But, on the other hand, I give HIM my UTMOST RESPECT for keeping a girl like u beside him for 2 yrs. For u to turn around & make him happy instead of him doing it. IS SOMETHING I ADMIRE him. For U to niam on him.

Conclusion: thanks for everything. as my hopes is fading day after day, all i know is, i never make any empty promises to u. i'll finish whatever i started. u feel stress with me right? u feel everything negative right? sooner or later, u wont have to go through all that shit anymore. thank you.

Friday, May 14, 2004

perhaps i was taught wrongly on how to treat ppl right. me being that way, i have no excuse to cover up myself. realised now y holding back that u did is gd for u. just that the bad qualities or bad points i have is something no other possess. the bad boy fucked up attitude is always in me, i think this is happening once again. the fury inside just waiting to be unleashed sooner or later. damn. this is not gd. now i understand y in singapore, EVOs always lose on the whole. yup, the pick up is fast, turbo-charged car. sauve in its own way, have its own charactor. but the safety & comfort loses to all the saloon cars out there. looks like i have to take it slow, dropping gear from 5 to 4 now to 3. no one says driving at 70km/h in the expressway is illegal. but lane change abruptly & speeding is defintely illegal. zhao chia will never be as safe, u will never feel secured. i see the points now. fav team is Red Devils. but, if Devils vs SG, everyone knows SG is gonna get thrashed like fuck. it applies to me too. who don't wanna be the devils, but all the while, i'm SG. perhaps the outcome could be a draw, but winning will be like taking a egg & throwing it on a rock. honestly, Jeremy Ryan U ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO OTHERS. u are just one big mother fucking loser. i accept the fact with open arms. *smile* i know myself. last sentence to everyone out there whom i know. this may sound real weird coming out from me but, CHERISH WHAT U HAVE NOW, U DUN WANNA LOSE IT UNLESS U CAN AFFORD TO. u, ya u. cherish him. he's ur everything u found in a guy, i'm the total opposite. good night.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

yes, bro's alffy blog is finally up. his link is on my left side. nice astroboy layout with the blue. now is waiting for bj's one to be up again, but dunno he will still do anot... ok, holidays started now... yup, gotta get working real soon. need the $ for alot of things... fuck man, hate to say it but i do need $ now... i guess, $ really can make u happy at times. i need $$. oh well, i dunno wats really interesting for me to update now. just that, i know i've given the no. 13 already, the whole package kinda look weird. i mean, box, photo, card, burnt letter? wasnt really that attractive i guess. disappointed with myself. but i can always do better. btw, those pics taken in the lancer turned out very nice. gotta find kc, ask him print for me liao. dao ka chiu. ok, had fun with 2 hondas today, kindaly sponsored by alex. VTI - auto. yup, this car got the power. especially from N to L, S to D. but auto's damn relax. just rest ur left hand & left leg. ok, next the EG9 - 5 gear manual. this baby got the shit man. the speed & power is all there. 200km/h top in sg. wats next baby. just that to continue installment & change parts here & there will cost me a bomb. furthermore, i need a monthly salary of 2.3k calculated. htf am i gonna find it? aiya. i guess, i just have to go n sleep now. take 1 step at the time in everything i do. this is really tiring. but ya, said before. i'll finish the marathon no matter wat position; question is, would u take my hand & run it with me til the end?

Sunday, May 09, 2004

as usual, just got home & bathed. ready to jump to bed any moment. but yet i still have to blog this out. was at chinablack today, dint really enjoyed myself though. with ch, adelene & her frds. felt something was missing. but ya, found many answers to questions that i always thought of. unexpected stuff. most of them were actually sad ones. however, i guess my old bean is right, Life is Never Fair once again. all 5 fingers aint the same length. u know, the Baby - Ai Qing Bu Neng Zuo Bi Jiao song is so damn right. here's a little translation of the chorus in english. "he's very gd, he's so gd. all this doesnt matter to me. to forget the passion i gave to u in a hug that he cant give. ya he's really so good that can make u stay with him. but love can't be compared." been hearing it when driving home. there are so much things that u dunno, but once u find it out, it hurts like hell. perhaps i only can procrastinate, complain about this & that. that's wat so "good" about me. another sleepless night for me. come to think of it, i'm so used to this life now. prolly i can work for the police on road blocks. the bird which doesnt need to sleep. oh well, kc, hope the CI Boys worked out & enjoy tmr's modelling. kinda felt i broke my promise to just fetch the 1 & only 1 girl whom is her.adelene asked for a lift home. no excuse to break my promise. but, to realise something else that happened earlier in the day was shocking to me. took me by surprise once again. argh, damn. now i agree why ppl say Life is like a box of Chocolates, U will never know what's inside. evelyn, her frd, once said to me. "i rather my bf doesnt have a car, if not god knows wtf he is fetching all the time." things ppl kinda affects my head too. guess that, No One is Wrong, No One is Right. everyone has their own opinions. tearin' up my heart so bad yet feelings still the same. sigh. love is tough. but i fell for it. however, no regrets. worth every effort & time spent. sigh.

Friday, May 07, 2004

yup, its 5.35am now. 3 hrs more to my next paper. some may think i'm crazy, y ain't i sleeping when i have a paper later. wat kept me up all night. to be honest, hearing what ch & xiaobai gotta say just now makes me more assured that happiness is really the hardest thing in life to have. it is something that u say u want, but will hardly get it. simple reason i find is happiness will only come only u have passed through all the fucks in ur life, & i mean ALL THE FUCKS in ur life. u can be rich, u can be poor, but are u happy? u can be single, u can be attached, but are u happy? u can be a loner, u can be a socialite, but are u happy? u can basically do or be anything u want, but are u happy in the end? god knows. spending my time just now for just that couple of hrs really kinda hit me. cherishing wat u have & going for wat u want is very tough in fact. frm my point of view, this is really nerve wrecking. a shocker came to me earlier in the night. that shocker really made my mind go every possible route. then i kept asking myself, what the fuck is actually going on? was i gonna get backstabbed as usual again? am i gonna be the fool again? what does all this words & actions means? being fucked from the back is common to a person like me, however i'll take it all in no matter what happens. all my logics that i always tell everyone, i dunno if it is logical actually. stuff about life lessons & such. WHO AM I to tell ppl wat to do, what they should be like. perhaps my own point of view kills me inside day by day w/o realising it. it is really true that Being Honest Doesn't Pay? frankly speaking, i dunno. there are tons of things that i dunno, i dun understand. hopefully as time goes by, day by day, i can get stronger mentally. learn how to please everyone even know deep down i dun like being Mr-Nice guy. I'm just MYSELF, prolly hard for anyone to accept that fact. i'm human. i have feelings & emotions too. nothing comes out from my mouth is a plot or script. is right down from the heart about wat i feel & wanna say. 4 papers to take, last one on sat. can i really make it to yr2? i dunno. pressure & stress keeps building up each second, every moment i breath, its increasing. Richard Marx - Heaven Knows is on the playlist now. those lyrics mean lots man. when i heard this part; "& all i can do is hope & pray cause heaven knows" i have no clue about wats going on. i'm not in my own world. i'm in a world where there are many other worlds around. just using my finger to spin 1 each time. btw, BROSi owe u guys alot. always been there for me. always keeping the lookout for me. but i'm shaking inside everytime. still the low-confidence guy. sorry bros. i can't do much, i'm human afterall. thanks to someone special too. for the series 5 that was meant to be slow, bit by bit but somehow or rather given all already. it was very special & sweet, meant alot to me. ending comes, do i wake up saying "Rise & Shine to a beautiful morning that will be a wonderful day" or "fuck, gotta do this gotta do that again" u know something, fate is the judge, not us. good morning. won't be sleeping for the whole of Friday May 7th 2004.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

just had my dinner. still feeling empty though. got this phrase through a friend, Life's a Struggle. to me it seems, just a rollercoaster ride, turning & bending, high, low... seriously time is really important in life. not connecting to the saying "Time is Money". its like time is given to us, therefore i have to make full use of it. i can have 5 hrs on hand. what do i do once i wake up everyday? i'll nua here nua there. laze around like a bum. sleep & yet go back to sleep. smoke, eat, drink. perhaps squeeze time for studies. but ya, this is life. is about living it. trying & going through experiences that i never had before. the feeling of being strongly bonded, the feeling of distant, the feeling of loving someone, the feeling of not being loved, the feeling of rich, the feeling of poor, the feeling of passing, the feeling of failing, the feeling of speeding, the feeling of cornering, the feeling of relaxing, the feeling of life & death to come. what makes a human being so emotional compared to animals is because they are human. we do make mistakes now & thens. no one owes anyone anything. we live our lives the way u want to be. if u want to be a fucked up person, u go ahead. if u want to be mr nice guy, u go ahead. no one can stop anyone from thinking & being who they want. the choose path a, path a will open a.1 or a.2 for u. then it leads on. choose a.1, then a.1.1 & a.1.2 will appear. u know, its like this. logic thinking. yes, i think i'm a safe driver, but who knows? i might just get banged from the back by a drunkard? or mistaken identity? i get screwed? no one knows wat tommorows is install for u. i wish to know wat will my tommorrow be too. but i guess, i cant. everything happenes for a reason. dun have to defend urself or run from it. just that somethings i guess, u will never be able to explain & no one will give a fuck about u. JR, fightning for his life.

Monday, May 03, 2004

First brief meeting, Feb 20th outside Food Junction. Next one was Feb 26th actual day of the competition. Now, its the 3rd month coming, just keeps getting better, stronger? Ya, in 3 months going too fast, reving like nobody's business. Well, that's just me i guess. Within the 3 months of so, emotions have been running up & down, but every step i take, is always better than flying. Miss ya. Trying to read my Java now... This week, 4 papers to fuck around. Either i make it or break it as usual. Yawnz, studying is really fucking boring. But i'm Looking forward to catching the movies, grabbing a present for our mom with u. Asap man. I cant wait. When will i get to u see again. Learning wat ppl think & want is the greatest challenge of life i find. cause no one will ever get it right. not even those psycologist out there. Anyway, gonna take a piss now, bladder's bursting. Got this survey from friendster. have fun with it.

Name Four Scents You Love :
1. My smell
2. Her smell
3. Good Food
4. My room

Name Four Things You Are Thinking About Now :
1. Her
2. Going to Yr2
3. Money.
4. Happiness

Name The Last Four Things You Bought :
1. Salem
2. Food
3. Drinks
4. Salem

Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink :
1. Water
2. Teh, Teh O
3. Sprite Ice
4. Chin Chow

Last Time You Said 'I Love You' And Meant It ?
--3 hrs ago.

Last Time You Cried ?
--5 days ago.

What's In Your CD Player ?
No discman.

What Color Socks Are You Wearing ?
None at the moment.

What's Under Your Bed ?
Sheets. Duh?

What Time Did You Wake Up Today ?
12.30 noon.

Current Clothes ?
Nautica shorts.

Current Longing ?
Being with her, going to yr 2 of my fucked up course.

Current Desktop Picture ?
XP default - Peace.

Current Worry ?
Her.

Current Hate ?
Me, Myself & I.

Favorite Physical Feature/s Of The Opposite Sx?
Eyes.

Last CD You Bought ?
Back in 97'?

Favorite Place To Be ?
Getting cosy with my felix protector.

Least Favorite Place ?
Orchard Underpasses.

If You Could Play An Instrument ?
Drums.

Favorite Color(s) ?
Black, Red, White.

Do You Believe In An Afterlife ?
Kinda.

How Tall Are You ?
1.78m, hoping to hit 2m soon?

Current Favorite Word/Saying ?
Life's short, Live it to the Fullest.

Favorite Season ?
That's definetly Winter baby.

One Person From Your Past You Wish You Could Go
Back And Talk To:
My grandfathers?

Favorite Day ?
Everyday could be a favourite if u want to.

Where Would You Like To Go ?
Hawaii, Tasmania, Swiss, Maldives.

How Many Kids Do You Want ?
I'll plan it with my wife (if i have one), 2 or 3?

Favorite Car ?
Mitsubishi Evolution 5 or 7 GSR. That's when I'm on the run.
Mercedes SLR 55 2 door coupe. That's when attending functions.
Lexus RX300 - That's for the family & travel.

Sunday, May 02, 2004

Happy Labour Day. 4.21am... not feeling tired at all... my mind is just all about 30th of April & the last song Jordan Chan - Wo Ai De Ren. What can i say? Life's a puzzle. Finding another piece & figuring out where to place it, is a challenge. Not every puzzle is crafted perfectly for u, there are always twists & turns in it. But, having the determination to fix it right certainly helps alot. Guess my Evolution is travelling too fast, gotta slow it down... Keep my head, stay focused. Make sure she doesnt feel lost out of nowhere. Suped up, turbocharge engine, aggressive, fast, furious, deadly... however it is safe with a person like me. Time will tell how realiable this Evo will be, soon u will see it. 3 road blocks in my 1st week of driving. Stopped first time this morning. Luckily dint have any booze, if not i'll be boo hooing in Jail. nuff said. Funny thing is that my exams is this week. Studied a little, gonna use fate, luck & general knowledge for the 4 papers. Must go yr2. Stomach feeling queasy, argh! anyway Sunday's here. Start of a brand new week. I'll see U in mass. Got tons of things to talk to u about, although i know u cant reply me, but i know u r always there hearing my every single whine. Thanks for keeping me safe on the road. Alright, gotta crash to bed. Hope u ppl love my new pics on my blog & last thing, moon's bright tonight, wish u were here beside me right now.

J e r e m y R y a n