Friday, May 07, 2004

yup, its 5.35am now. 3 hrs more to my next paper. some may think i'm crazy, y ain't i sleeping when i have a paper later. wat kept me up all night. to be honest, hearing what ch & xiaobai gotta say just now makes me more assured that happiness is really the hardest thing in life to have. it is something that u say u want, but will hardly get it. simple reason i find is happiness will only come only u have passed through all the fucks in ur life, & i mean ALL THE FUCKS in ur life. u can be rich, u can be poor, but are u happy? u can be single, u can be attached, but are u happy? u can be a loner, u can be a socialite, but are u happy? u can basically do or be anything u want, but are u happy in the end? god knows. spending my time just now for just that couple of hrs really kinda hit me. cherishing wat u have & going for wat u want is very tough in fact. frm my point of view, this is really nerve wrecking. a shocker came to me earlier in the night. that shocker really made my mind go every possible route. then i kept asking myself, what the fuck is actually going on? was i gonna get backstabbed as usual again? am i gonna be the fool again? what does all this words & actions means? being fucked from the back is common to a person like me, however i'll take it all in no matter what happens. all my logics that i always tell everyone, i dunno if it is logical actually. stuff about life lessons & such. WHO AM I to tell ppl wat to do, what they should be like. perhaps my own point of view kills me inside day by day w/o realising it. it is really true that Being Honest Doesn't Pay? frankly speaking, i dunno. there are tons of things that i dunno, i dun understand. hopefully as time goes by, day by day, i can get stronger mentally. learn how to please everyone even know deep down i dun like being Mr-Nice guy. I'm just MYSELF, prolly hard for anyone to accept that fact. i'm human. i have feelings & emotions too. nothing comes out from my mouth is a plot or script. is right down from the heart about wat i feel & wanna say. 4 papers to take, last one on sat. can i really make it to yr2? i dunno. pressure & stress keeps building up each second, every moment i breath, its increasing. Richard Marx - Heaven Knows is on the playlist now. those lyrics mean lots man. when i heard this part; "& all i can do is hope & pray cause heaven knows" i have no clue about wats going on. i'm not in my own world. i'm in a world where there are many other worlds around. just using my finger to spin 1 each time. btw, BROSi owe u guys alot. always been there for me. always keeping the lookout for me. but i'm shaking inside everytime. still the low-confidence guy. sorry bros. i can't do much, i'm human afterall. thanks to someone special too. for the series 5 that was meant to be slow, bit by bit but somehow or rather given all already. it was very special & sweet, meant alot to me. ending comes, do i wake up saying "Rise & Shine to a beautiful morning that will be a wonderful day" or "fuck, gotta do this gotta do that again" u know something, fate is the judge, not us. good morning. won't be sleeping for the whole of Friday May 7th 2004.

posted by Jeremy Ryan @ 6:05 AM