Monday, March 21, 2005

i do wonder at times, am i really behaving, reacting the way i suppose to be. why at times when i know deep inside i just feel like fucking someone or swearing all over but yet i choose to remain cool & upbeat about it... do i really take ppl & things for granted? yes i know no one is oblige to accomodate anyone, no one owes anyone anything too. the world is a cruel place. its harsh living in here. i'm selfish i admit. i can boldly say i do have emotions too. i'm scared of losing ppl around me, scared of not having things i fight for, scared of alot of shit. yet i project myself in a way that i'm strong, happy go lucky, carefree. who am i actually? i hate ppl faking themselves in front of ppl... i criticise everyone who's wearing a mask. even strangers whom i dont know... but, do i wear one? i feel like i'm the one who have a dozen mask at times. these masks that i own "helps" me to run away from problems i faced. i dun use any mask to benefit out of anything, which honestly i admit is dumb. most ppl use their masks to gain something, get a fuck, get something outta nothing. yet i only know how to use masks to run & continue running. ppl perceive me as someone who only know how to relax, someone who enjoy life as though life is something beautiful. yes, i believe deep down, life is really wonderful. no one is perfect. however i feel ppl around me are superior or even perfect. no, i'm not whining now. for god's sake, if the person reading now thinks i'm whining, hell no. or even better still, no one reads this crap i'm blogging.

what are the bad points in my favour? i seldom keep my word, i'm stingy, i'm very vulgar, i'm a motherfucker who do not care about anyone, i see the world as me revolving it & no one else, i'm someone who pokes at ppl, never a gentleman, never someone whom u can talk to & give u 100% attention, a sloth, a super self-scented person. am i wrong behaving this way? whatever fuck i did, was it for the good of all?

a story about someone i know for ages. 5 years ago. he knew this girl for 3 yrs. since sec 1 until sec 3. after so long, he decided to go after her. on a afternoon, he met her at cineleisure. he certainly felt very good, the vibes & everything was there. he made the decision to ask her to be his girlfriend. on feb 21st, they were together, the cat & the cow. those 6 months of being in a relationship was fantastic, sour, bitter, sweet. this boy was just 15yrs old. he could make a grave mistake, yet he chose not to. yes, he was tempted by the 3 letters most relationships rely on nowadays. however he dint give the girl anything although the girl wasnt a virgin at that time. he thought, wtf? at a tender age of 15 she wasnt a virgin anymore? what was the world coming to? he stood firm in his belief not to disrespect her in anyway. he treated her like a pure gentleman could ever. sacrificed for her, provided her with watever she needed although sometimes he tried as hard but could never succeed. after 6 months of being together, they broke up. why? his gf ask if she could go out with a guy, he said yes. went out for a movie with her ex. he didnt mind. came back the night, talked to her on the phone. realised something went wrong. ask her this simple question, "what did he do to u?" replied, "he kissed me." the boy became dumbfounded for a moment. next morning, he woke up & understood love was something never true. he still treated her very nicely until his birthday when he decided to talk to her about the breakup. in the end, both of them decided on a mutal basis that she should concentrate on her Os while he concentrate on passing his 2nd year in sec 3. there wasnt even saddness in the guy's heart. he knew getting a girlfriend from the moment was something hard, close to impossible. what happened?

life moved on for him no doubt. he met someone whom was very very sweet, cute near his place. after a very long time, they got closer & the same little boy made his move. this time, the girl requested for more time, which the boy waited. yet, it wasnt meant to be. the day whom the boy will never ever forget came. he left the girl a voicemail before he left for camp. it went something like this, "hey girl i think its just not fated for us to be together, i promised u i wont treat u as ur ex bf, that bastard andrew. i'll be going for my camp. i think u better get a better boyfriend, find a better guy." at that very day, after all the doubts, questions, talking with her frds, she decided to give me that chance to be with her.... the boy was devastated so was the girl. it was tough. for the first time in the boy's life, he regretted something he should not have done... he will always remember wat the girl told him, "many ppl gave me bottles with cute stuff inside, u are the first one to give me a beer bottle." very special chow nan ren.

wat a childish, pathetic story u must be thinking. ha. i dun even know why did i type it........ or do i.... the boy now is 20 this year, living life aimlessly, without a sense of direction but he is not looking to be seen as pitiful, poor thing. he do not crave for such fuck. he just wanna live to make his family proud of him, support his family, let them live in luxury, make them proud of him, nothing else matters. if someone comes along the road, it would be his luck. cause frankly speaking, he dun deserve anything at all. good night.

posted by Jeremy Ryan @ 3:04 AM