Thursday, April 08, 2004

sigh... after realising... my yr 1 sem 2 is coming to an end... more like i'm coming to an end. it feels like i'm a failure in life somehow... not wanting to study... bumming around... nua kia... common test & exams & sch are nothing but a chore to me. see all those msges from my tag board... i dunno whether to be happy that they are happy for me.... u know why? cause i'm seriously putting my heart & soul on the line... i'm not that lucky as what my bro feels. lucky in a way ya, it was my fortune to know such a girl like her to light up my life... but at the same time unlucky because... haiz.. :( i remember what my frd mr chiam said to me before... the status he encountered was kinda similiar as me. ppl assume & think we are happy or wat... no one knows we actually are not bgr... or those fucked up shit... being unfair to u... yes chiam, i got ur point. i understand how happy u were in that situation but actually torment too.

all the chinese songs are lingering in my head... all the lyrics saying, "the girl i love is not my girl", "knowing i will regret but i still went ahead", "u love me more but i cant give it up for you", "meeting u too early was just somehow or rather bad", "gave everything i have but not demanding a gd return".

but i'll keep to my words & mind... i can see me loving nobody but you... i'm so amazed by whatever u do or say to me... 3Cs that i think is important - Care, Concern, Commitment. i find these 3Cs are so hard to find in life... let me put what i wanna say in an author's view. There's no such thing as I wanna be fair to u, being cruel now, hurting u now is better than later. Doing things U dun wanna do DEEP DOWN INSIDE is the WORST PART OF BEING ALIVE. No one have to feel obligated to anyone. No one owns anyone anything. Saying things like dun wait for me, there's no chance are nothing but decieving urself. I just dun understand y humans are like that. Being an animal certainly makes me ponder a little more. Example; if your dog wants u to sayang him.... he will go to ur leg sratch it, lick ur face, make noise at u to attract ur attention. Because the doggy knows wat he wants. However for a human. When u start treating another party gd, they will say, dun treat me so gd. I'm not worth it. I might hurt you. all this fucked up crap. Until now, there are such things as divorces around because they made a mistake & because of the sake of continuing it without being happy makes both fustrated. I wont deny i screwed up myself in alot of situations already. For example, i take my frds for granted & regretted. I took kindness for weakness. So i told myself, i cannot afford to lose anybody close, important to me anymore. My family, My bros, My gd frds. THE GIRL I LOVE TRULY HONESTLY WHOLE HEARTEDLY Finally found her. Dun wanna ever lose her... i will never know what is she thinking, but i feel its my part to tell her clearly I LOVE HER. I'm SERIOUS. Tired of hearing those words like, "i'm not good enough for you", "there are better ppl out there", "i'm not worth it".... GIVE URSELF & US A CHANCE.

what i'm saying doesnt apply to me only. this goes out to everyone out there who dun dare to love. Life is short my frds, take ur chances well. Dun screw up anything. Dun care about wat ppl say. As long it makes u happy. The passion is there. go ahead. But, dun ever lie about anything. U will only get the fake back if u lie.

lastly, barriers in life are created by urself. only u have the power to knock it down & be who u are, do what u want, feel wat u feel. family & frds can advice u, but cannot help u break the obstacles in life that everyone has to go through. By far i dun cry for anything or anyone so easily. However she can make me cry for her no doubt. Is this heaven's will? No one knows cept up there. I sincerely pray to Jesus, God, Mary mother, Holy spirit - How bad, how a fucker i was or i am, pls give me the chance to love somebody without holding back... if i can do that before anything happens, i think i'm more than contented. *amen*

posted by Jeremy Ryan @ 2:29 AM